I hate New Year’s. And it feels so good to
say write it aloud out. New Year’s Eve has always been the worst. A night full to expectation that quickly becomes disappointment. And for me, one of abandonment, rejection and humiliation.
New Year’s Eve was one of the worst nights of my life when in 2004/2005 I was abandoned in downtown Toronto by my-then boyfriend. The one whom I shared my life (and a cat) with. A drunken fight on the street in front of a group of friends and then he (and them) were gone and I was left there. A girl left alone, late at night who struggled for hours to get a cab to take her home.
New Year’s Eve was one of the worst nights of my life when in 2008/2009 I was rejected by another boyfriend and his snobby family visiting from Britain. Where I met them for dinner and was instantly treated like the outsider. Where I tried to leave once the meal was complete but he insisted that it would be fine, that it would get better and convinced me to go with them for that champagne toast at his. Where it didn’t get better and where I left exactly at 12:05am into a cab and off to a house party with friends who I loved and who I should have been with the entire night.
New Year’s Eve in recent times where I thought it would be cute to visit my bartender husband to do a midnight toast, only to be seated at a table alone. That seemingly sad lonely girl sitting solo in a restaurant on New Year’s Eve.
There is too much expectation for this night and for the following weeks. As though suddenly starting today, everyone will behave a little nicer. We will all magically be better humans. We will be skinnier and healthier and wiser. As if at the crack of a New Year, suddenly we can change all that we are wishing were different.
As though, on none of the other mornings when we wake up feeling glum, that we also don’t have the power to make any of these desired life changes.
I hate New Year’s Eve. There, I said it aloud (again). Tonight I will be in my pyjamas alone, curled up with a good book and a cup of tea. I will turn off my phone, I will get to bed early and I will wake up to a new day.