I posted something on Instagram a number of days ago and received so much feedback from people for it. In it I wrote the following:
If I am being honest, which I always try my best to be (and a trait which sometimes gets me into trouble), I am struggling with balance in my life. My little virgo heart hates to admit it but it’s true. There’s Photographer Jess and Oracle Card creator Jess and Reiki Jess and Bartender Atlas Jess and organiser of a 400-person cocktail conference Jess and and and… (and then there is wife Jess and friend Jess and sister/Auntie Jess….) And right now, not all of them are showing up at their best. I try to carve out time equally to all facets of my life but lately I have been failing at that. And intelligent Jess knows that this will pass – that the conference is a week from now which means that two weeks from now, life can slow and readjust (at least for a couple of months before we start planning it all again!). But still, at this moment I feel like I am struggling. And you know what, that really is okay. It’s in these moments that we have the opportunity to decide what is important. To understand that no matter what, life will be wild and we get to choose how we ride that wild wave.
What spawned that post was all of the things that I had on my do to list. Things that needed to get done immediately and then things that always get pushed to the back burner, sometimes for weeks, months, even years. One of these things that had been pushed aside and aside and aside was fixing up my photography website. Something that I have neglected for a horrible amount of time. Something that embarrassed me and yet I wasn’t making the time to fix it. So I set out the night before that above post went live and carved out some time to make me a new website.
Except that I couldn’t. Because the website was broken. And not broken in a way that I could fix. But broken in a way that I needed the help from both my web host and the developer of my template. And it was the Sunday of a long weekend and no one was working (but me.. and perhaps you?). I wanted to cry. I felt defeated. This thing that I had been avoiding was finally getting conquered and yet I couldn’t move forward. Ugh.
After I made that above Instagram post, I received so many message from people telling me that they are feeling the same way. That really, we are all in this together. Everyone is busy. Everyone is juggling too many things. Everyone is struggling, even if just by a little.
I have been thinking about this and all of the messages that I have received and today, as I conquered something that I have literally avoided for years, I felt a huge weight lift off of me. I saw the light. It was this Invisible Weight that I had been carrying with me for literally years and suddenly it was gone.
In my case, it was dealing with an old web host for an old domain that I barely use anymore yet continue to pay lots of money for. There I was hosting files since I started my photography business in 2003. There was some really old stuff there, stuff that I didn’t want the world to really see. Years ago, I had attempted to start manually removing files but there was always more and more to be removed plus hidden files that you never really find. Today I took control of this. I removed every.single.file from that web host. I got rid of it all.
Holy heck, did that ever feel good! I had no idea how much this was weighing on me until I took care of the problem.
This Invisible Weight that we carry really does, well, weigh us down. It changes how we act and feel and see ourselves and the people around us. This Invisible Weight can be something as silly as old photographs stored on an old server. This Invisible Weight can also be words exchanged with someone that stung deep. That hurt. That we have held onto ever since. This Invisible Weight can be words or actions that we didn’t say or do at a moment when our guts told us we should. This Invisible Weight can be that one-dang-thing-that-just-won’t-leave-your-To-Do-List-because-you-are-lazy-or-tired-or-not-motivated-or-because-you-think-that-it-will-take-too-long- (but-perhaps-it-actually-won’t-if-only-you-just-sat-down-and-did-that-thing.
So my advice to you: release that Invisible Weight. Whatever it is that you are carrying, let it go. Do that task you have been avoiding. Let go of those words that stung (or have a conversation with that person to resolve it, your choice). Let go of the “what ifs” and “if onlys”. Release yourself from them. You may find yourself standing up a little taller for it.